growth

Vegan babies are famed for how well-nourished they are, right? At his three week check-up, H weighed 9 lbs 8 oz (up from 8 at birth). Amazingly, at his six week check-up, he weighed 11 lbs 12 oz; breastfed babies are expected to gain 1 oz per day, which would lead to an expectation of 21 lbs gained between appointments. But H gained 36! The midwife said, and I quote, “I can’t believe it.”

He has almost outgrown his 3-6 months clothes, and the 0-3 month clothes have been tucked away for weeks. They already seem so tiny to me!

This side-by-side comparison shows the change – H is wearing the same outfit at one week and at six weeks, just five weeks apart:

one week / six weeks

Isn’t that unbelievable?!

A letter to my still-pregnant self

I’ve been a mom for a little over five weeks now and I am in love with my new role and with my new little person. But becoming a parent is an ADJUSTMENT. I can’t imagine it’s even possible to truly prepare oneself, but there are a few things I wish I’d known that would have made the transition smoother.

To my still-pregnant self, I would say:

You might not be flooded with an immediate rush of overwhelming love that transforms you on the spot into a parent who sees nothing but perfection in your child. You may instead find yourself exhausted and slightly traumatized from the insanity that is the birth experience, with so much to process. And that’s okay. You will rest and you will recover, and you and your baby will get to know each other as your love blossoms and grows.

For about a week, you will feel really weird. Your hormones are plummeting and skyrocketing and the ground shifts beneath your feet, all while you’re barely sleeping. Birth is a very physical experience and you will be recovering from that while depending on others for almost your every need. And unless you’ve spent lots of time with newborns, which most of us haven’t, you will feel like a foreigner making your way on another planet. It gets easier, and it gets easier really fast. The learning curve is steep and every single day will be easier than the one before it.

Second night syndrome. It’s a thing. The first night your baby will sleep, because he too is exhausted from birth. But the second night, he will suck, and suck, and suck, trying to get your milk to come in or trying to comfort himself, or both. THIS WON’T LAST. Which brings me too…

Breastfeeding hurts at first. Your nubile nipples are going to develop a new protruding shape, and they are going to get that way by your baby sucking on you with the power of a vacuum cleaner. Your nipples will crack and blister as they stretch and reshape even though your baby is nursing well. It will be excruciating and you will dread every feed (which will be nearly constant). But it will get better, and it will get better fast. Stick with it. Get some nipple cream, take Tylenol and Advil on an alternating basis every two hours, and breathe. Months of ease wait on the other side of mere days of pain.

Speaking of breastfeeding, strengthen your arms and upper back before you deliver. It will help you enormously. Holding an infant to your breast for many hours a day is physically demanding, and until you’ve mastered side-lying nursing (soon), you’ll be grateful to not be coping with an aching upper body on top of everything else.

People will say to you, “it goes by so fast. Enjoy every precious moment.” Before you panic that you aren’t enjoying every moment, you should know that they aren’t actually speaking to you; they are thinking of their own children, now so grown, and lost in the cloying haze of nostalgia, they are speaking to themselves. People forget the hard parts. It’s like travelling: it seems exciting, fulfilling, enriching when our friends are doing it and when we recall our own trips. But when we’re actually travelling ourselves, it may be great overall, but the bed might be uncomfortable, the water pressure might be terrible, we might miss making a cup of tea or preparing a simple meal in our own kitchens, and we might miss being able to speak the dominant language. We do not “enjoy every precious moment,” and nor will you when you are adjusting to life with a newborn.

The reality is that newborns don’t do much, and they are strange (albeit amazing) little creatures. It won’t be long before the habit your baby has of taking a funny breath (two sharp inhales followed by a relaxing exhale) or placing his hands while feeding will be precious. And not long after that, your baby will smile at you, and you’ll realize he is a little human and is becoming more of one every day. Until then, it’s okay to take some time to get to know your baby.

Have enough meals in the freezer for one week for you and your partner.

If possible, arrange to have another adult around to help out. You will be tending to the baby, and your partner will be tending to you. It will help to have another person to attend to your partner, to the house, and to other miscellaneous tasks. It’s also nice to have someone to keep an eye on the baby while you and your partner have some time together after the floor drops out from the world as you know it and you need to spend a few minutes doing something familiar (going for a 15 minute walk with your partner to return a library book, while saying on repeat, “holy shit, I pushed a baby out of my vagina. Holy shit, we’re parents,” will suffice). It’s also nice to have someone around to be amazed by your creation – you’ll appreciate the constant reminder that you’ve done something incredible, that despite the weirdness and confusion you’re in the midst of something truly great.

You won’t believe it at first, but it will be a blink of an eye before you’ll get into the swing of things. One day you’ll think you have no idea what you’re doing and the next you’ll realize you’re explaining to someone how your baby likes something a certain way, and you’ll know you can do this.

When something is wonderful, don’t worry about being anywhere or doing anything else. And when something is hard, remember: this too shall pass.

The birth of Baby H

On Thursday, February 21, I was laying in bed in the afternoon trying to nap after a restless sleep. While talking to A on the phone, I felt a small burst of liquid release into my underwear. I didn’t even mention it to him, but when I got off the phone and stood up on the bed to check, I found my underwear with a huge wet stain, and a watery liquid dripped out of me onto the bed. It wasn’t like urine or any kind of vaginal fluid I’ve ever experienced, and I was almost sure it was amniotic fluid.

I was excited. I lay down to see if it would pool and build to a gush. Alas, very little more came. After weeks of labour signals and peaks and valleys of excitement and disappointment, I had firmly learned not to get my hopes up. I put it out of my head.

I started feeling pay-attention-to-me contractions around noon the next day, Friday. Unlike the practice—Braxton Hicks—contractions I had been experiencing lately, these contractions didn’t require me to feel my uterus to confirm that it was hard – they were uncomfortable, and they commanded my attention.

I had a massage therapy appointment at 1:30, so I went to that. While I was at the clinic I had four contractions. I distinctly remember lying on the table near the end of the massage, thinking how sad I was that it was almost over. Suddenly I was rocked by my fourth contraction while there, and no longer was I sad – I wanted it to end already so I could jump up and move my way through the waves! I felt beads of cold sweat on my forehead and my entire body tensed as I tried to breathe through it and relax and enjoy the end of the massage.

I texted A to say that I’d had four contractions while at the massage and drove to pick up a package that was waiting for me at the post office. A called me while I was there and I had a contraction while I was speaking to him. I had to lean over a railing and sway my hips to cope. It was just before 3 pm, and A said he’d come home in case this was it. I was still denying that this was probably labour (HAHAHAHAHA!) and tried to convince him that it was unnecessary. He insisted, so I offered to pick him up since I was out anyway.

When I pulled up to the curb I felt another contraction coming on, which is actually the only reason I took A up on his offer to drive home instead of me (our home, A’s office, the post office, and the massage therapy clinic are all downtown, very near to each other, so this driving around is really only a matter of minutes). Thank goodness, because my next contraction was a doozy and I had to unbuckle my seatbelt and turn around in my seat to cope. Being downtown, there was nowhere to pull over and a steady stream of traffic all around. Instead of filling up the car with gas as planned, A took me straight home then went to get the gas along with a big, hearty quinoa salad from a favourite spot at my request. I wanted something light but nutrient- and calorie-rich just in case this was labour, although I was still thinking it probably wasn’t.

Back home, I went pee and found blood-tinged cervical mucous. I had been getting globs of cervical mucous for weeks, but this was the first time that it was red with blood: “bloody show,” as it’s called. From that point forward, every time I peed there was some amount of bloody mucous.

My attitude was so incredibly cautious. I kept thinking about all the labour signs I WASN’T having – e.g. I’m not having tonnes of diarrhea; my stool is merely slightly loose and only somewhat more frequent than I would expect at this point in pregnancy. Ergo, can’t be labour.

Around 8 pm, A and I went to the grocery store (just a few blocks away) to stock up on apple cider, so I’d have juice on hand in case this was it. While in line, I had a contraction and thought how funny it is to be in public while in labour. The woman behind us in line said “excuse me,” so that she could put her items on the conveyor belt (reasonable). I moved away, thinking to myself, “couldn’t you just wait for this contraction to pass?”

Back home, a friend had stopped by (hi C!) to pick something up and we sat and chatted for a bit about politics and, well, labour. I stopped a few times to focus on a contraction but they had slowed a bit, maybe waiting for calm and privacy to return.

We went to bed around 10:30 and I slept right away, waking up to contractions every 15 to 45 minutes (mostly every 20 minutes or so). I had to get up on hands and knees and lean forward to cope, disrupting the kitties each time, who—unperturbed—settled right back in around me.

By 3 am, the contractions were every ten minutes or so and I was no longer drifting off to sleep between each one. I got up and made a smoothie. The best way to cope during contractions was on my hands and knees, but as our place is hardwood, I couldn’t quite get comfortable. I tried to stack our yoga mats and a blanket and labour on that (the kitties REALLY enjoyed that little nest and immediately curled up all over it) but it wasn’t as comfortable as the bed.

Around 5 am I woke up A to ask him to sleep somewhere else so that I could have contractions in the bed without disturbing him. He was like, uhhh how about I get up now. He timed the contractions but there was no pattern, although they were fairly close together – from three to seven minutes or so. They were also longish, but I didn’t really know how to tell when one started and ended. It was like waves of increasing and decreasing discomfort without a very clear “end.” I had been told to page at 3-1-1 or 4-1-1 (contractions three/four minutes apart, one minute in length, for one hour). Being a stickler for instructions, I didn’t think it was time to call. I was still questioning whether it was labour.

Thanks to an iPhone app, you don’t have to take my word for it – here’s what my uterus was up to during the period that we timed contractions:

StartTime	EndTime	Duration (mm:ss)	Freq. (mm:ss)	Intensity
Feb 23, 2013 6:01 AM	Feb 23, 2013 6:02 AM	00:59	00:00	–
Feb 23, 2013 6:07 AM	Feb 23, 2013 6:08 AM	00:49	06:07	–
Feb 23, 2013 6:12 AM	Feb 23, 2013 6:12 AM	00:45	04:29	–
Feb 23, 2013 6:14 AM	Feb 23, 2013 6:15 AM	00:41	02:39	–
Feb 23, 2013 6:16 AM	Feb 23, 2013 6:17 AM	00:32	02:09	–
Feb 23, 2013 6:19 AM	Feb 23, 2013 6:20 AM	01:14	02:50	–
Feb 23, 2013 6:25 AM	Feb 23, 2013 6:26 AM	01:07	05:40	–
Feb 23, 2013 6:29 AM	Feb 23, 2013 6:30 AM	01:11	03:51	–
Feb 23, 2013 6:33 AM	Feb 23, 2013 6:34 AM	00:56	04:07	–
Feb 23, 2013 6:36 AM	Feb 23, 2013 6:36 AM	00:44	02:41	–
Feb 23, 2013 6:38 AM	Feb 23, 2013 6:39 AM	00:58	02:02	–
Feb 23, 2013 6:40 AM	Feb 23, 2013 6:41 AM	00:46	02:49	–

By 6 am, I was uncomfortable enough that I had A page the midwife. After he filled her in, I took the phone to give a few more details about what I was feeling – I really didn’t want them to come if this wasn’t something. While talking to her, I had to put the phone down three times to vocalize through contractions. Hearing me, they said they’d be here in 35 minutes.

Knowing they were on their way, I suddenly wanted them there immediately. This turned out to be a theme from my labour – if I knew something was around the corner, I couldn’t wait for it to come because it would bring a change. I would think “well, this sucks,” but knowing something new was on the horizon gave me something to look forward to, nevermind that it would suck in its own way.

They arrived and checked my cervix. The student midwife said I was five cm dilated, while the midwife with 20 years experience gave me six to seven. Of course, I took the seven. They said I had paged at just the right time (apparently most people have them come too early), to which I replied sincerely, “I wasn’t even sure if I was in labour!” That may sound ridiculous, but some women experience prodromal or false labour and I was stubbornly (idiotically?) standing my ground in the not-getting-hopes-up department.

I had been waiting to get into the birth pool because if you get in too soon it can slow contractions, but I had long cleared that hurdle apparently so I got it. Although the warm water didn’t make the contractions feel different, it helped me relax between contractions, and it helped me get more comfortable during contractions because there was no gravity to make repeatedly assuming odd positions physically taxing on other parts of my body.

I spent a few hours in the tub, with the midwives periodically asking if I felt a pushing sensation, A running up and down the stairs with hot water from the stove to keep the temperature up, and the kitties perched around the room completely fascinated. When they checked my cervix and found it to be eight cm—not a huge change—they suggested I get out and try something different. It was probably around 11 am.

Here the timeline and order of things starts to get really fuzzy, but I’ll give it my best guess. As things progressed I became more and more out of it.

I walked around a bit using the wall during contractions. It felt good to either push my butt into the wall, or to lean against it facing forward. Every single time I had a contraction, I NEEDED someone to push with all their strength on my lower back, and then to squeeze my hips together. A was the best for this because his hands are so big, but the midwives weren’t too shabby either. At one point I noticed that even my enormous husband had to brace his foot in order to get the strength to push on my back the way I needed, which was honestly my only indication that the pressure was so great.

I was still joking around at this point, minding my manners, and interacting with the kitties somewhat. The experience midwife commented that I didn’t seem like a woman in labour. Well, that would soon change.

After a while they checked me again. They said they weren’t going to tell me what they found because it wasn’t important, but I noticed the one who checked mouth to the other “same” – I was still around eight. It’s so, so important to feel like all the contractions are going somewhere; they know this, and they are very careful not to demoralize the labouring woman or to give any indication that something isn’t as it should be. But I knew that I was stalling out a bit.

They offered to break my waters, saying that if there was meconium in the fluid I would have to transfer to the hospital. I knew that breaking my waters could result in the contractions picking up, and I told them to go for it. It was anticlimactic. The fluid was clear, thankfully, but it didn’t gush out of me. It barely trickled.

They had me climb the stairs a bit and have contractions in a bit of a lunge with one foot two steps up. I had to have an absorbent pad beneath me, and this was the first thing to annoy me and the first sign that I was a labouring woman: I snapped, “it’s so annoying to have to make sure this thing is beneath me!” This was the first time I had whined, the first time that my spirits were a bit deflated. I just wanted to be able to move around and focus on the primary task at hand, which actually seems reasonable now that I think about it. They gave me some underwear with a pad so I could do just that.

They wanted me to labour laying on my sides or back. Problem: OUCH! But the upright position that I found the most comfortable just wasn’t working for me anymore, and I think they were also concerned that I was losing stamina. A smoothie appeared and I drank from that a bit, but as I was now in the depths of transition I wasn’t gulping it the way I had been gulping apple cider and water earlier.

I laid sort of half on my back, half on my side, and now things were really intense. It was around 2 pm. During contractions, I would grip a hand of a person on either side of me, with socially inappropriate force (sorry everyone). I was writhing and hollering, my eyes bugging out of my head. The midwife told me not to be afraid of the contraction, to let it do its thing and not to resist it. I’m not afraid, I said, it just fucking hurts! It was the truth.

I stumbled upon a vocalization and breath pattern that seemed to work best (inhaling deeply, then fluttering through my lips like a horse), and the midwife told me to keep that up during the contraction. I did so with gusto. As the contraction faded, I was reminded to let it go, to soften my muscles, to relax. It was an impossible task, but I tried my best.

Finally, I felt a pushing sensation during a contraction. They had periodically been asking if I felt this, and I was always unsure – they said you’ll know it when you feel it, and that it would continue between contractions. I was still unsure but since it felt like a change and the time was right, I mentioned it. I had been expecting the sensation I felt when I miscarried: like I needed to take a massive dump but just couldn’t. It wasn’t like that at all. It was just a subtle sensation, and only during the contraction.

They had to check my cervix during a contraction – at this point, my answer to any question seeking permission to do something was, “whatever.” Finally, thankfully, with just some cervical lip remaining that they could hold to the side, I was given the go ahead to push.

I was glad to reach this point, because now I could at least DO something about the waves of consuming pain that were washing over me.  Contractions force you to surrender, but pushing forces you to rise up with power. Pushing also brought a relationship between the amount of pain I was feeling and the ultimate outcome (which, for me at that point, was the end of labour).

There were lots of instructions: hold your legs from underneath! Keep your butt on the bed! Curl your neck forward! Push into your bottom! Hold your breath as you push! Change your breath! (By which they meant to exhale quickly, then inhale quickly again and keep pushing.)

It was a lot to keep in my head, but I found the feeling right away in my bottom – intense pressure that felt exactly what you’d expect to feel like if a head were pushing against your perineum from the inside. When I hit that feeling—which required a tremendous amount of exertion—it was confirmed by one of the midwives, who would proclaim, THAT’S IT!

By this time, another student midwife and her senior had arrived. There is always a midwife for mom and one for baby, so their presence meant that baby would soon also be present.

In my mind, pushing may have taken 10 seconds or it may have taken forever. In reality, it was a little over 45 minutes. At one point I commented to someone near me that I felt like I was in a tunnel. Later, she mentioned this and we talked about the out-of-body experience – it felt like there were voices floating around me and I wasn’t really there in the room. It was so surreal.

I spent some time sitting on a birthing stool on the bed with support on either side. It helped to change positions and the gravity apparently brought him down a little more. (I’m taking others’ word on this.)

At one point they realized that I hadn’t peed in awhile, and gave me a catheter to empty my bladder. That created more space for the baby and this really brought his head low. They could see “so much” of his head, they told me, like this much (maybe two inches). “THAT’S IT?!” I said, thinking how much more I had ahead of me. “That’s a lot!” they assured me. I thought they were idiots, haha.

I was encouraged to do another push on each contraction, one more, okay just one more, until I was doing five or even six pushes per contraction. I wanted to stop at three. They said he had blond hair, and I reached down and felt his head: it was so much softer than I expected it to be, squishy instead of hard.

I pushed and pushed to the encouragement of the floating voices. “I want him out on this next contraction,” the senior midwife said, with authority. Delighted to know that was even a possibility, I complied.

As I felt the pressure widen and then cease, I was drawn to the sensation of his legs unfurling, and then, suddenly free for the first time, kicking the inside of my uterus on his way out. It was totally bizarre, these little legs that had been so cramped suddenly kicking with abandon.

And then, a baby was on me. A warm, slippery human whose body had been curled up in me for all this time, whose face I’d never seen. I couldn’t really get a good look at him because I was reclined back with my head practically over the edge of the bed and I was too exhausted to hold myself up. A was beside me. I was in shock.

After the cord stopped pulsing, A cut it. He described it as being thicker than he would have expected, like rubber tubing. The midwife palpated my uterus and coached me to birth the placenta, and it wasn’t long before it came slithering out without much exertion or discomfort. At this point I had had enough of pain and irrationally felt as though I shouldn’t be expected to feel any more – not only did I refuse to push out the placenta until I didn’t feel so much as a cramp (which, fortunately, only took a few minutes), I had two injections of oxytocin and one of ergonovine, and had the nerve  to complain about the stinging!

I was examined for tearing, and much to everyone’s surprise, didn’t require stitches. Apparently it’s quite common for first time moms to tear in the perineum. I had the option of getting a stitch in my labia for cosmetic reasons, and I decided to go for it.

And with that, we were left alone to get to know our son, all eight pounds of our brand new baby boy who joined us at 3:54 pm on Saturday, February 23 at home in our own bed.

40 weeks

40 weeks

40 weeks and 4 days

He arrived four days after my due date by ultrasound, which was one day before my due date by ovulation. On February 23, 2013, I roared out the loveliest little eight pound boy into my own bed. He is strong, healthy, and completely surreal. The midwife says he’s “perfect.” We agree.

39 weeks: still-partum depression

Okay, so the title of this post is a lie. (Catchy, though?) “Partum” doesn’t mean pregnant – it means childbirth. And I am not depressed. But “still-pregnant OMFGitis” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Picture this: you’re preparing to go away on a long trip. You’ve arranged someone to keep an eye on the animals, the mail, and the plants. The fridge has no perishables, which also means there’s little to eat so you’re basically in camping mode. The laundry is done, your favourite clothes and toiletries are packed, and the house is clean and orderly. Your obligations have been taken care of and your ouf-of-office is on. Your to-do list is pretty much bare. Mentally, you’ve already left, and you have a hard time thinking about anything other than your vacation. You’re ready.

Do you know this feeling? We all do, right?

Then you sit down to wait for the cab to take you to the airport.

And you keep waiting for, oh, TWO WEEKS AND TWO DAYS NOW.

And counting.

And the cab might not be here for another three weeks. Or it might be here in one second! Better be ready, just in case!

Of course, our house is in labour/newborn mode, not vacation mode. But the feeling is the same: I’ve checked out of the here and now, but the next thing just. isn’t. happening.

I saw my midwife today. She said, and I quote, “I can’t believe you’re still pregnant!” The baby’s head is basically falling out of my vagina, I’m having practice contractions all the time, and everything from his position to his heart rate to his size is apparently “perfect.” On the plus side, this is supposed to be a precursor for a good labour.

… which is going to happen aaaaaany day now. But for sure eventually. Right?

39 weeks

BabyWatch 2013

Waiting sucks. But why take it from me, when you can take it from science?

According to a 2010 study published in the Journal of Sexual and Reproductive HealthCare that looked at first time mothers’ experience waiting for labour onset:

The participants entered a state of active waiting, “the waiting mode”, in the days around the estimated date of delivery. When the women entered the mode there was a marked change in the way they interpreted bodily sensations. The women experienced being in a state of constant bodily alertness, their bodies felt all-consuming and they experienced themselves as being “more and more body”. This generated a sense of being enclosed in the body, intensely trying to identify the signs of labour. Being in the waiting mode seemed to draw labour closer in a manner that opened up for the birthing process and helped the women to prepare for labour.

In other words: waiting sucks.

38 weeks: Human Progress

I saw my midwife yesterday and she checked my cervix: 2 cm dilated, 60% effaced, and super soft and squishy, with the head about -1 station. She even TOUCHED his head!

What does this mean? If you’re not versed in the pregnancy language (real thing), dilation refers to how much the cervix has opened up to allow the head out – it goes to about 10 cm during the first part of labour before pushing begins. Effacement refers to how much the cervix has thinned out – during most of pregnancy, the opening is zipped up tight, basically forming about a four cm plug. In preparation for labour, it thins itself back into the uterus. Everyone knows what “soft and squishy” means, yes? It’s a good thing. Station refers to how low in the pelvis the baby’s head is, with -5 being up high and +5 being crowning.

More importantly (from my point of view) what does this mean for me? Well, potentially nothing. Except! In light of my particular circumstances, the midwives were like, OK SEE YOU SOON THEN!!!

And at the very least, I’m already a fifth of the way there when labour finally does hit. Morale = boosted.

Definitely starting to feel restless and ready now. You know, “ready.”

38 weeks and low, low, low.

Flexing my uterine muscles

I had my first contraction last night. It was unmistakable. My entire uterus became hard – it’s usually firm while giving way beneath gentle prodding, but it became hard and immovable. It grabbed all of my attention. I tried to relax and sink into the pain, accepting it. I rolled off the ball I was sitting on, onto the floor, my knees spread apart to allow me to fold over into a sort of child’s pose.

Labour, y’all. It’s gonna be a challenge. I’m so excited!

Until now, I’ve had some cramping, some contracting that I couldn’t feel except by pushing into my belly from the outside, and the lower back achiness that I always get before menstruating. This was the first sign that LABOUR is coming. It excited me, but it also freaked me out. Are we ready? Can one ever be ready?? I’ve been thinking I was about a 9/10 in terms of readiness. Last night, I thought – I’m 0/10! How can you ever be ready for something this huge!

From the frivolous (has everyone I care about had a chance to feel him moving in my belly?) to the existential (do we know how to take care of a helpless human who is going to LIVE with us?) my mind was weighted down with the realness of the transition that was potentially before us.

This inaugural contraction was precipitated by my walking back and forth in my home, as it was too cold to go for an actual walk, and then by my sitting on my yoga ball and rolling my hips around while I read. So – on the agenda for today: Big. Long. Walk.

Come on out, little one! We’re “ready” for you!

37 weeks: Wait, what?

Somehow I’m 37 weeks, AKA full term. Everyone told me the baby would be here before I knew it, and I silently thought “yeah, right. It will be FOREVER. You just don’t understand my unique circumstances in relation to the dragging of time and the desiring of baby.”

I was wrong. It’s here, and I can’t believe it.

The strangest part about being full term is that this baby really could come at any time now. No matter how much sleep I’ve gotten, what tasks remain outstanding on our to-do list, what kind of mood I’m in – I could go into labour. In positive, energetic moments, I think bring it on! When I’m tired, or sore, or crabby, I think oh, I SO do not feel like being in labour right now.

Yet, I don’t have a say in any of this. I am at the mercy of my own body and of this seven pound creature who has been living inside of me for almost nine months.

I still don’t feel afraid of labour. I’m actually excited to experience it, to have my own story and memories of this amazing event that has fascinated humans for all of documented history. I wonder what it will be like for me: at what time of day will it happen? which of the upcoming dates will forever become special? for how long will I labour? … push? will it happen at home as planned, or will I need or want to go to the hospital at some point? how will I feel, physically and psychologically?

And then of course I wonder about what it will be like to meet this boy, what he’ll look like, what it will feel like to see and hold him. I wonder if it will take awhile to fall in love, or if it will be instant. I wonder if it will all feel real.

My midwife doesn’t think I’ll make it to my due date. This baby is big, and he is low. It really is any day now that everything will suddenly and remarkably change for us.

37 weeks

35 & 36 weeks: Thoughtluck

Between the fatigue and the absentmindedness, this seems like a good time to forgo narrative structure in favour of a random collection of thoughts:

• This strikes all the right notes with my funny bone (despite it also being a little sad). “I preg!!” has become a catch phrase around here – A and I have found it to be quite a useful way to explain all pregnancy-related issues.
• After a one km walk following which I needed a nap, I’ve discovered that walking makes me achy and exhausted, while standing is basically fine. I can cook standing up for an hour, but if I need to walk the one block to the grocery store to pick something up? Ow.
• The baby is head down! Great job, baby!
• A friend gifted A and I with the most wonderful baby shower. I never would have guessed how meaningful it would be to celebrate this major transition with some of the great people we know and love. It really made things feel more real and more special – which is helpful for first-time parents for whom “having a baby” is only an abstract concept. And, particularly because none of our friends have children, it’s also nice to see people one last time before we become all babybabybabybabybaby.
• Oh, the insomnia. Not fun. My heart goes out to anyone who suffers with it on a regular basis. Thankfully, I’ve begun sleeping better again–probably because the baby has started to drop into my pelvis, and thus away from my lungs and stomach. Turns out breathing and not having scorching, constant pain in one’s throat are essential to a good night’s sleep. By the way, women who are pregnant with twins? I want to hug you 😦
• Buuut I still can’t breathe all that well. When I go up a flight of stairs I’m totally out of breath. I actually started to wonder if I was always this way but just hadn’t noticed, but A assured me that I did not, in fact, used to consider slowly walking up 14 steps a feat of athleticism.
• Also: SO. HOT. As a naturally slender person, I usually heat up and get cool off really quickly. Now, I’m always warm. Even at night, when it’s well below zero outside, I have the covers off for a decent portion of the night. I can hardly believe this because usually at the first sign of winter I’m all flannel sheets! Body heat! Covers!
• Pregnancy is weird.
• It’s ironic that we give birth at nine months, when we’re at peak discomfort and fatigue. In my non-pregnant, well-rested state, I could totally have like five babies in a row probably. Now, i find myself thinking at least once a day, I’d be waaaaay too tired and uncomfortable to be in labour right now.
• Sometimes the baby gets the hiccups, which feels like a little rhythmic tapping from deep in my belly. Think about that. A small human is hiccuping inside of me. Mindboggling, no?

Since I’m a few days behind in getting this post up, I’m actually going to be 37 weeks (AKA full term) in just a few days. That means that I’m no longer just having a baby soon – I’m HAVING A BABY SOON.

I guess it’s time to get to that to-do list of things that have been waiting until the baby would be here soon? Thankfully babies need pretty much nothing but a pair of breasts and a warm body or two when they arrive – can’t really screw that up.

35 weeks

36 weeks