see the beat: 7 weeks

Happy seven weeks, uterus! That’s a number that seemed rather high to me a few weeks ago.

I had some of the faintest spotting over the past few days, so today I got an ultrasound for peace of mind (thus answering my question of whether I will get ultrasounds). At this stage the heartbeat can be seen as a flicker but not yet heard, and sure enough, we saw the heartbeat flickering away at 127 bpm – smack dab in the normal range for our little lentil’s age. We also learned that the embryo is 6 mm long. Seeing the heartbeat, combined with the length now being over 5 mm, drops our risk of miscarriage down to about 5%, so I am elated!

We met with a potential midwife yesterday, the first of three interview/appointments we have. She was fine, but I didn’t love her. She was kind of a youngish hippie with short hair, a pierced nose, and pink socks. I felt that she spent more time putting on a midwifery demonstration and less time listening. She didn’t really find out what we already knew about midwifery, obstetrics and pregnancy, and responded dismissively to my attempt to share what I do know. It gave me the sense that she was the expert and what I thought I knew was cute and unimportant. Despite this, she only has a few years of experience behind her. It was, unintentionally I’m sure, condescending. This was ironic, because she overtly delivered the message that it’s all about me, my informed decision making, and my feelings about what is best. Actions speak louder than words, I suppose.

She was rather young, with just three years’ midwifery experience since being accredited. I think the midwife for me might be a little older, perhaps a mother herself, who has aged out of the life stage in which identity is something that people do, something that people curate and display for others. I imagine someone warm and knowledgeable, who is truly receptive to what I have to say and what I already know. Someone who isn’t “being” anything, but just is herself.

I feel a little uncomfortable being so critical of this woman, but I know that I have to be honest with myself about how I feel. A good rapport is so important in intimate relationships of any kind, and a midwife–client relationship is no exception. This is a woman who is going to be there for what is quite possibly going to be one of the most profound experiences of my life, and I want to share it with someone I could love.

But most importantly: heartbeat! 6 mm! eeks!!

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