It’s go time.

A few weeks ago, I had my (copper) IUD removed. I was mid-cycle, and we decided to not use any back-up protection for the rest of the cycle a looong time, despite that the plan had been to start trying in November so that I could finish my current work contract (but what good are sick days, if not for using up at the end of one’s pregnancy so a contract doesn’t have to end early?!)

Apparently, having a copper IUD can change one’s menstrual cycle length. I learned this the hard way. For 2.5 years with the IUD, my period arrived like clockwork every 25 days. Come day 26 this cycle, I was dreaming of the baby growing in my uterus. But, what’s this? A failed pregnancy test! Day 27… Day 28… There she is: my period.

So now I’m on day two of the official first month of trying. I’ve had a taste of what it feels like to try to conceive, and – wow! – I need to learn how to ride this rollercoaster like a zen disciple otherwise I’ll never survive. Thinking I might be pregnant, debating buying a pregnancy test, trying not to get my hopes up (we weren’t really trying this month, after all!), coping with the disappointment… these things were more jarring than I anticipated. It is emotional to want a child and to realize that it’s not something for which I can neatly plan.

It’s strange to see just how badly I find myself wanting to have a child. My whole life, I’ve wanted to be a mother and have vaguely looked forward to it, but it has always been abstract, something I will do at another life stage. Now that I’m in that life stage, I feel like I’ve fully arrived, all at once. Quiet evenings at home no longer seem luxurious; they seem boring, empty. My husband and I have moved away from the bar going and frenetic socializing of our early to mid twenties, and now we are hovering in the in-between: living the life of parents but without children. Fingers crossed for a quick and viable conception!

For now, I need a new hobby – something other than reading about pregnancy.

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